I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
