She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
