when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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