Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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