she woke up with a sticky ear
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
