Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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