She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
its not stalking. its research.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
