I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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