Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
