Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
