the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
