last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
