It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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