I have demons in me.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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