Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
