She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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