toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
