Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
