I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
