apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
