you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
