I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
