Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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