Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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