I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
