Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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