it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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