Sober January is a disaster.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
