I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
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