I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
