this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
