I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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