i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
The air taste purple.
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