I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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