I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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