You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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