Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
