Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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