Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
