You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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