I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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