I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
