i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
