Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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