Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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