You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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