There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
