Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
