one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.