Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.