He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Is it because I queefed?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped