is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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