I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
