What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
